No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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