Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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