my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
