Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
