I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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