I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
