Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
