I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
