508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
