We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
