I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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