I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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