you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
