This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
