I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
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