Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
