Apparently you make a good broom.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
