the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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