I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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