Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Randomize
