Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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