Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
My vagina just recognized that song.
a search helicopter?!
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
