my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
