I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
