my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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