his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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