There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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