I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
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