Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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