They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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