i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
another moral hangover. fuck.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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