Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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