the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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