Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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