Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I forget how to act sober
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
