there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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