I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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