I got chris browned last night
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Randomize
