he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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