That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
