can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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