ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
