god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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