seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
