So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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