I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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