First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
