My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
kristin has been a bad kristin
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
