Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
