She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
